Heaven So Far Away
by WeSailShips
Summary: A collection of loosely related drabble oneshots about So Yi Jeong and Chu Ga Eul. IV. FORGET ME NOT. You can never forget.
1. CHANCE

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Summary: One can only have so many chances.

* * *

I.

 _CHANCE_

* * *

One can only have so many chances. He knew that; he lived that once upon a time, twice, thrice… He can't even remember how many times he did.

But he did.

Felt hurt so he hurt to feel less, watched on in amusement as he saw them hurt. Craved after flesh for a moment away from reality; ten minutes could've been his haven. And oh, how alive it made him—seeing hearts break left and right. Using, exploiting pleasure wherever he could, that was his craft. That was his masterpiece.

He couldn't have cared less. Couldn't have given one flying fuck.

At least he used to.

Chu Ga Eul changed him though.

Not instantaneously, he was never easy. But she tried, and slowly, carefully, Ga Eul steered him towards the good that was her. And somehow along the way, he was oblivious as Ga Eul yang tasted success, unaware as he changed into a man his Hyung would've been proud of. Bit by bit, he saw the moon in her eyes, sun in her smile, and air in her heart. And really, need he say more?

His heart once belonged to a passing breeze, solely and secretly. There had been chance there, one big fat chance. And it could've been the rest of his life, a shot to a limited infinity, but fate made him cruel, made him cowardly, made him deaf to the laughter of a clandestine future. Circumstances molded him to be cold, forged him to be brutal—to himself and to others both.

And maybe it was engraved too deep in him, this ruthlessness—this tendency to betray the ones he loves most. He remembers his unfaithful father, remembers his own past self, and his lips curve into a twisted smile. Yes. It was.

So he looks up towards the booth the F4 owned and smiles a charming smile, letting the women around him rub their bodies on his. Ji Hoo glances at him once in a while, always the unreadable. Woo Bin unabashedly looks down at him, literally and figuratively. Even Jun Pyo is dissatisfied. Geum Jan Di, well, he can't possibly know what kind of torture she's giving him in her own psychotic mind.

And sweet, dainty Ga Eul is up there too.

In a flesh skirt that billowed past her knee, pristine white heels, and top, she looks like someone who's attending a wedding rather than a club. Always the innocent Ga Eul yang. Always the good.

She catches him staring, does not break eye-contact. He might have rubbed off on her after all. He would've been proud had there been no pain.

But there is. So much. Too much, that no words could ever hope to describe it.

She is blank, cold and heartless.

She had learned her lesson, sunbae. Thank you very much.


	2. OMMA

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: You learn that you still have tears to cry after all.

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II.

 _OMMA_

* * *

It's scary.

How much hold she has on you.

How easily she can break you.

But it's so easy to fall, fall, _fall_ for her too. And your heart, oh the stupid little idiot, why won't it stop? It beats steadily yes, but so deafeningly too the little shit. So horribly loudly, it calls for the girl who healed it and crushed it, and now, you don't even know any more.

You are drowning in a voice that so resembled your own, though pathetic and desperate and not cool, calculative, heartbreaker So Yi Jeong.

It's scary.

It's terrifying.

It's a breath of fresh air.

 _Ga Eul._

"Yi Jeong." Woo Bin looks at you, hardly glaring.

Oh, he hadn't notice the name slipped pass his lips. He glares now, smirks, asks, "Have I been any more pathetic before Woo Bin? Are you happy? Are you guys happy?!"

Woo Bin doesn't need to answer that so he doesn't and you laugh and laugh and laugh because. God. What the fuck. What the actual fuck is wrong wi—

"Because fuck bro I'm not!"

No.

You'll go away. You need time. To think. To reevaluate yourself.

She's in your brain. In your mind.

In your fucking traitor of a heart.

Always.

Every time.

You're pathetic and you can't even blame yourself.

Your wandering takes you to Busan. And you realize too late. Because. Oh shit—

She's there. She there. She's right _there_.

Smiling. Radiant. Happy.

So incredibly Ga Eul yang that your heart couldn't take it. You reach for her, clinging to hope even though knowing it does not see, it is blind, and, _why must you destroy everything you touch So Yi Jeong?!_

You haven't seen her like this in a while.

Why would you destroy this?

"Sunbae?" She's wary, caged and worried all at once. "You look horrible. What are you doing here?"

Is that concern he hears? Ahh. He missed that. Missed it very much.

"Ga Eul yang. I— I came here... I don't know why."

"You reek of alcohol."

"Ah. Well. I always do these days. Geum Jan Di hates me."

You see her furrow her brows, wary still. But she's worried, so she ushered you inside her family's home. Her mom is home, sick and thin and alive through her illness. She doesn't know you. You don't know if you're disappointed or not.

She lets you sleep in a guest room, four walls that is smaller than your walk in closet.

It is more home than your own home.

You sleep so easily — no nightmares, no dads and moms that are far too broken to be a parent. No brothers who abandon you. No grandfathers who burden you with something you never wanted. No friends to hate your guts. No girl, who cries her heart out because yours is more broken than hers and you have no more tears to cry because goddamn!

You are spent. You wanted to rest.

You had it, inside these thin walls that is more home than your own home. You had it, in the sheets Ga Eul's omma gave you because, " _We can't possibly have you getting cold now, eh, Yi Jeong shi? Go on. Sleep well._ "

When you wake up, you wake up to a warm soup that effectively vanish all traces of your hangover. It's so warm and nice and homey. You thank Ga Eul's omma, can't stop really, when she's so nice to you, and you broke her baby's heart. You want to say _sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry._ But you can't because you are one shameless son of a bitch. So instead, you say thank you and mean it.

Ga Eul tries to smile at you. Asks, _are you ok now sunbae?_

It's a start.

You watch them both. Mother and daughter as they prepare lunch and dinner and breakfast. They're laughing and you're laughing. It's been so long. It's been a while since you heard your own laughter. Hers. You try not to—

But. You can't help it.

You never once had a mom.

You're jealous as Ga Eul's omma gives you a packed lunch. You're going back to Seoul. You don't want to, _of course_ , you don't want to! The last few days have been a dream. Stuff made out of happiness and _family_ , stuff that you've desperately, silently craved since forever. Stuff you never had.

Ga Eul had an awesome mom.

Ga Eul had a kind, strong, cheerful woman as a mom.

And she is dying.

You see why Ga Eul is molded the way she is. Kind. Strong. Cheerful.

And it's a shame. Because you tainted _that_ Ga Eul yang with your easy smiles and devil words. It's like, you dirtied the memory of a very respectable, noble woman in breaking the heart of her child.

So you cry in the bus.

You learn that you still have tears to cry after all.


	3. HAPPINESS, REGRET

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: You don't want to lose her.

* * *

III.

HAPPINESS, REGRET

* * *

You close your eyes and in your arms, you hold happiness. You feel her gentle squeeze and her gurgling laughter. Feels it through your chest and holds it there. Keeps it there.

The wind sings in your bones, whispers sweet nothings to your heart, and you hope.

You hope.

For a tomorrow.

A forever.

For that possibility.

Happiness was beautiful and precious, a work of art made flesh. And you really, truly _live_ — _exist_ — in this moment more than you have ever truly been in your life. And God, you cannot for the life of you, explain, how good you feel, how blessed you are.

You hug her to you, this girl whose name will forever be scrawled around your heart. This girl who was autumn, is autumn — beautiful, bright and a tad bit melancholic.

You ask her the why's and why not's.

Why you. Why not him. Why this and not that?

' _Why do you bear with me?'_

You don't deserve this, you know this and she does too. She just chose to think otherwise.

You are so extremely proud of yourself you got to keep her smiles and her laughter. You try not to keep her sorrow, you resent it, but you wanted her and all of her is what you get.

It's not all sunny days, but you two are strong.

Halfway through though, you destroy yourself. And she cannot help. She doesn't want to help anymore.

But you remind yourself, and her, begged her, that you belong together. _'Please hold on to me. I don't want to lose you.'_ You plead, pathetic and begging, hugging her back to your chest because you don't want to see her tears, you resent it. ' _I don't want to lose you again._ '

She doesn't utter a sound, and in the back of your mind, you know what's coming.

You're afraid, this is your horror, this inevitable shattering of both your hearts. Again and again. She's tired, you realize. You tore her apart again, with words you didn't mean and actions too intolerable.

She's only human and she could only bear so much.

So you don't let her say anything, instead you turn her around and drown your regrets in her lips, backing her on the wall and ravishing her whole.

' _I'm your soulmate_ ', you whisper, ragged breath fanning across lips. ' _You are mine. Please_.'

' _Sunbae_ '

She utters one word, and you fall apart.

In the end, an old friend knocks on your door and you welcome him with resigned acceptance. You've met him long ago, and he frequented often. His name was Regret.

He never fails to drive home the sorrow.

 _Please don't go._

 _Ga Eul please come back._


	4. FORGET ME NOT

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: You can never forget.

* * *

IV.

FORGET ME NOT

* * *

Your memories of her is engraved in everything.

Her smile in the sun. Her eyes in the moon. Her sweet disposition. Her dresses in bright, frilly kind of colors. Her comfort in soft pillows. Her kindness in your arms. Her long black hair in expensive silk.

Her kisses in your lips.

Her love.

You remember and it is a blessing, but more so is it a curse.

You are warmed and left cold both.

You remember her, this girl, this woman.

But no matter how hard you try, you cannot remember her face.

She haunts your dreams, the beautiful nightmares, and she smiles, the curve of her pink lips so pronounced, and there is the sea, and a meadow, and what looked like a long stairway. And a kiln, maybe, with her shoulders hunched and covered by wool. And you are beside her, near her, and oh you desperately want to take her hand but you don't. You are smiling, sadly, happily, you don't know. And she has no face, and you wake up gasping for air, heart on your throat, wheezing out a forgotten name.

Woo Bin tells you her name was Ga Eul.

She's your wife.

Both of you had been on an accident. Your Bentley lie smashed beside the highway.

Your arm is broken, and two of your ribs are in bad condition. Your hands are fine though, but you feel no relief where you should have.

"Where is she?" you ask them, concerned. "How is she?"

Jun Pyo swallows, brows furrowed. No one meets your eyes and you take a breath, and two, then three, and twice as rapid, until you realize that Ji Hoo is there to give you a shot, and tell him _"Stop! Stop, don't. No. No, Ji Hoo!"_

She could have survived, Jan Di tells you wobbly when you're done hyperventilating. She's crying, carrying a babe in her arms. "But, Ga Eul ah, she. Ahh… She begged the doctors to save the baby first."

When Ji Hoo, the only one strong enough to see you crumble, shows you her face, you cried. In your arms, your son cries with you.

Chu Ga Eul, staring at the camera, smiling at you mid- _sunbae_.

You _remembered_.

You can never forget.


End file.
